Sands of time...

It's been more than a year...

Have i been silent...

 Walking back to this solitude palace,

Where it used to be a busy "Ranting" market.

Shall i build this lonely place back to how it belonged years back?

I just...

Who says man doesn't cry?

Only real man cry, because they have feelings.

Crying is a part of life.

Feel that part of life Norgel.

I believe that mammals that have feelings just grew tear glands for a good god damn reason.

Somehow man are born with those.

So they are suppose to use it.

Time past pretty fast...

It has build a memory lane... 

Memories of experiences.

Which makes you stronger than others.

Because that's what they never have.

And never could they steal away from us.

It makes us different from others.

Whats's visible on the skin are called "scars".

While memories are deemed internally invisible. 

But they really do exist. 

I guess she won't bother to come and look at this.

Unlike me, whom check her blog every now and then.

Or maybe i'm wrong.

It's not a  marketplace anymore.

The stalls are closed.

I'm just walking pass, looking at the old furniture.

Where its still new in my mind.

Every single part of it.

Life changes every now and then.

Good and bad things happen for their reason.

I've been strong, yes i am, or i'm not?

I've given up on the one that i believed for decades.

Right or wrong?

That's the correct decision.

I've never felt this freedom before.

For which i've waited with no results.

My mind and heart just switched, gave up.

Soon after...

the mind whispered to me...

 that i would find the correct one, 

when the time comes.

And they told me that i shouldn't disappoint when the one arrives.

They gave me their full support.

So... after they spoke to me,

It just suddenly became a memory. 

A memory from the past where made me strong, all along being alone.

That is also the reason why I've rejected those people in the past.

I'm sorry, my heart and mind doesn't consent me to be with you.

After a long time, i met a girl.

My heart and my mind doesn't restrict me from her, unlike the others.

It seems we clicked.

Instead, they two of them just pushed me towards her.

The feeling was funny, the mind was swirling and the heart pumping for no whatsoever reason.

They are excited, as tho they know something.

In the end we're together.

We got together pretty fast,

I did not really court her...

because it just come this way.

My heart and mind told me again,

never let her down.

More than three months past.

I've got to know her a lot... let less

as if we knew each other for years.

It feels comfortable, its a special feeling.

No matter how straightforward i am, she thinks its fine.

She even sees it as i'm being truthful and sincere to her.

I somehow believe that this special feeling don't come always.

A myth to me that I've seen.

The fact that two hearts became one truthfully.

3 months seems 3 days for me.

But it seems that i knew her for 3 years sometimes.

I want to be her's forever and i want her to be mine.

Shes a Pieces.  She loves stars, riddles and a lot of other stuffs.

Shes an angel to me.

But she seems to be sick.

It seems that shes being bothered.

Bothered by school, friends, family, money and friends.

I can feel that shes having a massive headache. 

I can feel her.

The feeling of tiredness, confusion.

I wonder what have made her change so much in this 3 months.

In the 3 months, she actually cried quite a few times.

I promised myself to be an Angel for her.

An angel with two big wings that can wrap around her.

Making her feel save and secure.

That's what i feel and i want to say to...

 make her feel secured when shes with me. 

But, it seems that my wings and existence failed.

I tried to comfort her...

talk to her...

understand her...

being a listening ear...

being a person to hug...

and whatever i can be...

but it seems that there's other way to solve problems...

which i cannot be.

"Another person".

Am i being oversensitive? Am i being jealous? 

I know that Scorpios are very sensitive and hate being jealous.  

That is the reason why i  told my heart not to be any of them.

He drove her home, he's around her.

He's being such a good friend for her.

And moreover it seems that it's easy for them,

I'm pretty surprised and confused at times...

why they didn't get along?

She told me there's no feelings.

Maybe her heart didn't beat fast when she sees him.

I try to treat it as nothing, nothing have happened in front or behind me.

Shes a happy panda for him.

So what is she to me?

After assuring so much.

Does she understand? 

It just beats me, asking myself why...

that guy wasn't in me.  

I doubt she will see this. Or maybe she does.

My love doesn't end. My mind and heart just told me the same.

Never let her down.

I'll still be the same to her.

But i do have another side of me kept in the shadows.

Because it belongs there.

It will be kept in the dark, like always.

Maybe one day ill show her,

so she will understand.

Riddle for me... What does it mean to be told.

"i shall continue with my life.."

Flashbacks, Headaches and Cries for the night, I asked myself...

How to be stronger when there's a weak point.

Standing...

I'm standing, I'm standing.

This i promise you...

I'll stand here.

I'm not ready for anyone but you.

I will try to believe...

I'll have faith in myself...

Only one that believe does succeed.

One that disbelieve have already being damned.

"Drifted"

Whats there left to hide?

I'll accept all the truth and lies with my open arms.

Theres nothing and you.

I'll take both.

Which adds up to you.

This is well... how generous i am.

We drifted apart almost 11 years now.

I still hope theres a chance of sailing together.

But still...

The uncertainty shoots right in.

It makes me speechless.

Similarly to you, sometimes...

when you try to avoid the awkwardness i solely given you.

And the verb that pops up as soon as u replied.

"Deem."

I'm starting to stop believing in myself.

Other than other else.

Just because i can't seems to make up my mind...

on decisions of deflection. 

Just by doing that, Ive closed by door to any other else.

"Times."

I can't believe that 2 months of internship have past.

And another 1 more to go.

It's definitely a fast journey, yet bumpy.

Slow pacing and energy spent on useless activities.

This is why it sucks so badly.

I prefer to have times where i can give out all my best...

and learn all the rest.

It just seems otherwise.

"Oath"

I had to give myself some support on having a healthier lifestyle.

For which i had to declare a oath.

I shall not have Fast food.

I shall not have Dinner.

I shall not drink Sweet Drinks.

I shall not consume any unhealthy food.

I shall jog 3 time a week.

I shall go to gym at least once a week.

I shall do as much sit ups as i can before going to bed every night.

I shall go to bed early.

"Last Words."

All the best to me...

I shall keep this blog up as much as i can.

Although i don't really need much a an audience over here.

Choice...

I know it's been quite a long time since I've blog.

But i am pretty sure that this blog will still keep on breathing.

There is much...

 that i can write into this boring Rectangular Box.

But as a human, i can't possibly remember...

every single thing had happened.

I will wish for a Memory box that will register...

every highest and lowest point of life.

"Snapped "
Studio Projects over... eventually.
Another 3 months of Final year project will soon come kicking down the door.
I'm currently having my internship...
well... at someplace worst than hell.... i guess.
Remember Syed Alwi Road 207A.
2 month of seeing of the burnt and roasted, it's something i had to go through.
It somehow work this way, where i would think of the similar thought every morning when i rise from bed.
"Eh man, norgel, it will soon be over."

"People."
The Director. Well... Is the devil of all devils.
He say one... It will be one.
You could neither multiply 1 with 1 nor dividing 1 with 1.
Still... i cannot believe i'm working right directly under his demanding supervision.
I still hope i could learn as much from him,
Although everything he says, sounds stupid to me.

The Fei Por. I'll put her into the devil's wife.

Devilish as she could be...

Devilish at any condition,

at any quality, mistake, possibility, etiquette and devilish size as well.

I know it's bad to insult her at her back.

I know everyone has feelings.

So please think like me.

So please be aware that i got feelings.

And stop giving me work such as translating a 

freaking picture of your presentation slides at every 

millimeter possible.

Jew, Vu, Din and Pete...
The last few survivor that i could physically witness in the ridiculously small company.

I named him Jew, simply because he is the jewel of the whole Effing company.
I cannot imagine him gone.
He means a lot to the company.

Vu, a NTU guy, that really wants to get it rolling,
however got into the wrong company,
and unable to find the dice.
And then tried to cry but it's like mission impossible.
It applies to Jew too.

For Din,
I know you came from big companies like Dreamworks.
And i know you will be gone soon.
For why i don't really want to be aware of.
All i know, is that you showed too much of your "DREAMINGworks"
around the general population.
Technically it's the last place where you want to build your sand castle in the air.
Lastly for Pete,
I don't really know you well since you came later than me.

"Patience."
I hope i get much of a experience other than patience working with you guys.
Other than learning to tie the cables and printing CDs.
Do you really think we're here to do these?
Do you really think at all?

"Only"
Ha... good thing that i'm still single.
Although i'm looking forward to be with my love one...
Maybe the one had appeared, and left.
Or maybe she didn't appear at all.
It doesn't really matter... does it...
Why bother to cry the Eff?
What do i need from a girl?
I don't really need to be love
when all my good friends had already showered me with it.

I don't mind being alone.
All i need is a responsible one, someone who is understanding.
And in return, i'll definitely do the same.
Times where i'm out of focus, i tend to lose control and start to have feelings.
Just because of feelings,my life will change drastically.
I should just stay focus, on whose right and not.
I will not care. I'll just be myself.
The long road ahead, i shall witness the truth.

"Genuine."
Sometimes i do take sometime thinking in solitary.
Who are my real friends, that really care about,
and who are those who want to benefit for their selfishness.
For now, i'm not blinded...
But still...
Love comes in different form of perspective.
I love my friends in genuine, i really do...
At least believing in them really do work.
They might be the best friend that ever exist.

Time Flies...

Time flies...

When busyness sets in.

"Flying..."

time passed fast recently...
maybe thats because...
i gave up thinking...
about stuffs and look forward in life.
Now that i remember this trick...
I shall used it when...
i feel low.

"Passed."
Chinese new year passed...
assignments have all been cleared too.
In a blink of an eye...
Huat for me...
huat for everyone.

"Gong xi Gong xi."
Chinese new year suppose to be 15 days?
I got 2 instead.
Made full of those 2 days...
spending them with my huge family...
before the mega project comes into hand.

"Studio Project."
3 days of Studio project have already passed.
less than 2 more weeks to go...
we gonna try hard... gonna try big...
Hope everything gonna be alright.
Smooth and steady.
I would be in-charge of the meteorite vfx in the short clip.
Wei xun would be in-charge of water vfx
Melvin would be in-charge of sky and clouds vfx
Voon fong would be in-charge of the ground and debris vfx.
I'm kind of ahead of time...
But theres unlimited work to do...
just run for this 2 weeks.

Crushed...

Do you even think when you're all alone...

"Broken."
How does it feel?
To be broken and crushed.
I pity all the vast...
thats broken before.
I can feel that they...
don't really want to be mended up again.
Afraid of the...
feeling...
thats unbearable.

"Before and After."
I shouldn't have went for her...
she doesn't deserve me...
I feel so god damn wrong...
for getting closer.
Everything around us...
had made worst on us.
Although I've made all my moves...
shes could just stand there...
behind the close doors...
and i couldn't get in.
No matter how much that i did.
Not a slightest chance through that closed door.
Not a slightest room for advance.

"What i really Want."
I hope i could really be with her.
Someone to be side by side.
To be understanding...
To be faithful...
To be everything...
For the other.


"Understanding."
Whats wrong with understanding?
When thats what i'm really missing...
Do you know you're moving like chess piece?
Theres no way i could move forward...
when you're just defensive.

SHE said: "tats wad u feel. nt me..hmm hard to explain la"
 "coz u don knw me well i wld asy"
*say


yea... what if thats how i feel?
Are you gonna tell me how you feel?
Or do i have to travel to the moon and ask you?
Do you even bother telling me how you felt?
Why do you have to hold back?


"Mind Reading"
I love to read my friends...
they're easy and fun to understand.
But reading her mind...
is just a totally different thing.
I cant even get through the maze.
And in the end...
I'll get lost... big time.

For example...
I had asked her a couple of questions...
trying to chat with her.
But all the answers... they meant something indirectly...
they are...
1: short, which means...
she doesn't want to talk to me for long.
2: non-informative, which means
she doesn't want me to know much...
so i couldn't reply much
so i had to keep changing topics.
3: direct, which means
i couldn't comment much about it...
all i can say is "ok" or "oh..."
4: slow, which means
she don't even bother to talk to me.

worst of all...
she doesn't even ask about me.

i should deduce that shes either...
busy or trying to avoid me.

"Apologized."
I've apologized to her...
for everything that i did wrong.
In my heart...
theres so many wrong doings.
But for all those that rises these upcome...
It totally hit me... hard.
It's like losing everything in one wrong move.

"Future?"
Tell me...
What is there between us in future?
No? Yes?
It's hard to tell...
But for now...
For her sake...
Maybe i should avoid her all i can...
I hope it will help.